Love me, love my ways.

Now that I know you all a bit better, I thought it was about time I gave you a glimpse into the ‘World according to Jane’ with my Room 101 nominations.

I am taking a massive risk here…You may read this and conclude that I am as ‘mad as a box of frogs’ and never visit my little corner of the blogging universe ever again! Well, you are going to find out sooner or later that I have many weird quirks and foibles. Let it be clear that I also have a lot of completely sensible traits such as loving my family, friends, Lindt Lindor chocolate and Hugh Jackman.

That said, let me bare my soul and tell you what really gets on my nerves! I want to say ‘things I hate’, but I am always telling my kids that ‘hate is a very strong word’ and that you shouldn’t really ‘hate’ things, not even sprouts, whelks, kidneys or men wearing lycra cycling shorts. Well, maybe the last one.

 

Introducing Room 101

I’m sure most of you have heard of Room 101. For the uninitiated, Room 101 is the BBC comedy television series based on the radio series of the same name. In the show, celebrities are invited to discuss their pet hates and persuade the host to consign those hates to oblivion in Room 101. For those of you who like trivia, the name of the show was inspired by the torture room in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four which reputedly contained “the worst thing in the world”.

So here goes, please don’t leave me 😉

 

My 5 nominations for Room 101

1. SmartOne toilet paper dispensers.

These outrageously annoying devices deserve to be consigned to Room 101, never to be seen again. Find out why in my earlier post: SmartOne toilet paper dispensers

 

2. Cubes in food.

“What on earth is she on about?”, I hear you say! Let me explain…I love trifle: I love the jelly, I love the custard, I even love the moist sponge they put in some ‘posh’ trifles. What I absolutely cannot understand is why someone would spoil a perfectly good trifle by putting fruit cubes in the jelly!  There you are, eyes closed in bliss as you sample a spoonful of trifle, you taste the deliciously smooth jelly, revel in the cool creamy smoothness of the custard, until you hit a fruit cube! What is that all about?! I don’t want a lumpy, sharp-edged fruit cube in my lovely creamy trifle, thanks very much. It’s just plain wrong!

That goes for Branston pickle as well. I don’t want big crunchy cubes of vegetable in my sandwich. I don’t want my tongue hitting a sharp, pointy-edged, glistening cube amidst my lovely soft bread roll. Thankfully Cross and Blackwell realised their chunky old relish wasn’t going down well with people like me. They relented, shoving Branston Pickle, ginormous cubes and all, into a blender: ‘Hey Presto!’, Branston Pickle ‘Small Chunk’ was born.

I can cope with small chunk…Just.

Hubby is the opposite. He likes food he needs to chew. He doesn’t mind chewing his way through cubes, chunks and gristly bits that have found their way into food that really should be smooth, (in my opinion).  In fact, he struggles with things like mashed potato, tuna mayonnaise and creamed foods because he feels like someone has ‘beaten him to it’ and chewed it already.

And you thought I was weird?!

 

Are you with me? Are you ‘Team Hubby’ or ‘Team Jane’?

 

3. 110%.

Come on! I know I’m not the only one who wants 110% (or multiples thereof) thrown into Room 101.  Now, before the mathematicians among you object, I am not talking about those occasions when it’s being used correctly. I realise if something increases in price from £1 to £2.10, it actually has increased by 110%. I don’t have a problem with that. What does get on my nerves is when people say things like:

Well done! You gave that 110% effort!

No they didn’t! You can’t possibly give more than 100% effort! 100% effort is the most you can give! This applies to people who agree with someone 120%, 200% or 300%! You can’t even agree with someone 101%, never mind 300%!

The worse culprits are judges on shows like X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. They don’t just vote ‘Yes’, they vote ‘One million percent yes!’ Really? One million percent? You can’t have one million percent, Simon.

No wonder the kids of today are struggling with their SATs exams.

 

 

 

4. Dry sponge.

 

You know how someone dragging their finger nails down a blackboard can set people’s teeth on edge? For me, its dry sponge.  I’m not even joking. The worse kind of sponge is that really dry synthetic sponge. I don’t know what it is about it but I really can’t bear it.  I don’t like to touch it or see other people touching it because it is all dry and squeaky. It makes a shiver go down my spine.

In fact, one of my worst nightmares would be someone rubbing me all over with dry sponges and ‘squeaking’ me to death. Too much information? Was that the sound of hundreds of readers simultaneously clicking their mouse on another tab of their browser to escape my weirdness, (I’m being optimistic about how many people are actually reading this).

I don’t mind wet sponge though. I can cope with wet sponges. Once you add a sponge to water it has been rendered completely harmless. It has been effectively neutralised and poses no imminent threat to life.  It no longer squeaks or scratches. It no longer feels horrible to touch. It’s all good.

Moving swiftly on…For those that are still with me…

 

5. ‘Big Belly’ bins

A few years ago, the traditional metal rubbish bins in Nottingham Town Centre were replaced by new, ultra modern bins. The traditional bins were a pretty basic affair, with an opening at the top so you could throw your rubbish into them.

These new ‘Big Belly’ bins are ‘all the rage’ because they are environmentally friendly, solar-powered, rubbish-compacting bins.  They can be used for mixed waste and recycling and there’s even somewhere to place your used cigarette stubs.

So far, so good! Until you want to put some rubbish in them. That’s when you realise their fatal flaw. You have to touch the big, metal, germ-infested handle to open the hatch and deposit your rubbish.

I have a bin in my kitchen that I open by touching it, but I disinfect it regularly and I only have to deal with the germs of my nearest and dearest, not the entire population of Nottingham. Who knows how many people have been touching that bin, never mind their level of personal hygiene.

Is it just me who thinks the Big Belly bin is a massive retrograde step? When I spotted these space-aged new bins with their gleaming solar panels, I thought they would open automatically as soon as I approached them with my empty wrappers. I thought they would sense my need to get rid of the evidence of the twenty Lindt chocolate balls I had scoffed before I picked the kids up from school. But no, I had to reach out and touch the sticky, ‘germy’ handle.

 

 

It’s the same when you go to a public toilet these days. They’ve installed automatic flushes you don’t have to touch. They’ve dispensed with those unhygienic rolls of cloth you pull on to dry your hands. Instead they have been replaced with hand dryers so powerful and noisy that small children burst into tears as their ear drums burst and the skin is ripped from their little hands. They’ve got automatic soap dispensers and automatic taps. The problem is, they haven’t installed an automatic door so you can get out of the loos without touching the handle that a million other folks have touched. And we all know there will have been a fair few of them who won’t have bothered to wash their hands at all.

Admit it, when some of you reach for that door handle, you do exactly what I do and try and touch it somewhere you think no one else has touched. Am I right? Or you hover near the door as the jet-powered hand dryer pummels your hands to bits with its sheer force, hoping that someone else will open the door for you so you can slip through without touching anything.

 

My room 101 runners-up.

• Shop assistants who insist on giving you your change by putting the bank note in your palm first and then balancing all the coins on top of it so you invariably drop them as you faff about trying to get the note in your purse/wallet.

• People who throw chewing gum on the pavement…usually within 2 inches of an actual bin…More of a possibility with Big Belly bins, I might add.

 

Over to you!

So there you have them, my Room 101 nominations.

Obviously, I think they all deserve to be there but maybe that’s just me.

So if there’s anyone still out their reading this after I have ‘outed’ myself as a complete ‘nutter’ (as we say ‘up North’), why not tell me what you want to put in your Room 101.

I can’t wait to hear from you!

 

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